The following are general notes from a talk given by Jennifer Altman, Ph.D. and Lori Walsh,Psy.D. and sponsored by Dobbs Ferry PTSA, Monday, January 9, 2012. Parents who attended requested a summary including the basic rules list that we reviewed and we are happy to provide it below.

The growing presence of social media in our lives, and our kids’ social lives, increasingly demands that we incorporate an understanding of it into our general parenting. Social media is now part of the big picture we need to address as parents. Rules, monitoring and conversations about electronic communication are really about raising kind ethical responsible strong kids –we’re just talking about these things in an additional forum (a new context?)

Although social media has brought many changes to our kids’ social experiences, it hasn’t changed the kids’ basic task of growing up to be well functioning people who know how to manage the social world and it hasn’t changed parents’ basic task in figuring out how to guide them as they grow.

In considering how you will address social media in your family, there are some basic rules we recommend for everyone (listed below) and some approaches that vary with the individual child’s temperamental style (outgoing, shy, impulsive, risk taking, etc.), developmental stage (for example, the typically middle school drive to belong to a group) and the family’s values.

Additional considerations in thinking through the topic:

Kids are now being introduced to the virtual world at very young ages

• in games (Club Penguin, for example) which offer interaction with other kids
• and in their observations of us. What we MODEL for our kids, in our use of social media, has a significant impact on how they will grow up to use it.

Kids forebrains are not fully developed until their mid-twenties; thus, impulsivity, planning, abstract reasoning, emotional thinking and judgment are not always as they (may or may not!) appear on the surface

1. Define use of technology as a privilege – not a right
2. Have an agreement with your child that they will be safe, responsible, and ethical online
3. You must have passwords for any online account and either you or a responsible adult must be child’s friend on Facebook.
4. You may not share passwords – not even with best friend or boyfriend
5. Computer in a public place or door to room must be open if on computer
6. No sleeping with phones or laptop
7. No electronics during meals
8. No websites or video games with anonymous commentators – such as formspring, xbox live, etc.

1. Continue to work on basic communication goals with your child
• building relationships that include equal parts empathy and limit setting
• building relationship that includes open communication so that they will be comfortable coming to you if they have made a mistake or need help
• building critical thinking skills so they will eventually be able to evaluate information realistically
2. Take an active stance – proactive not just reactive
3. Conversation Points to cover with your child
• Respect other’s dignity – self and others. No gossiping, no forwarding email, no commenting on unkind posts
• Respect for privacy – Make sure child knows that there is no such thing as privacy online.
  
  “If this showed up on the front page of the local paper, would I be ok with it?”
   No pasting photos, No forwarding email, No sexting
  
  
• Importance of off-line time to gather thoughts, reflect and connect with friends and family in real world.

1. Child is being bullied
• Parents’ job – STAY CALM. Be empathetic. Do not shout, cry, make threats against child, bully, or school. You want your child to come to you again. Help child process the situation and model processing and reflection, i.e. “let’s think this through
• Teach Child to STOP, BLOCK AND REPORT (recommended by internet safety experts)
• Stop - do not engage with the bully. Do not argue, retaliate or attempt to track down anonymous bully. 
• Child cannot win this battle and will only provoke. Exposes child to further danger.
• Block – block the cyber bully - can be done for texting, email, and chat 
• if necessary, delete old accounts and create new ones for your child
• Report the cyber-bully to adult
• print the offending material and discuss it with parent
  
  
2. If child sees someone else being bullied or is lured in to taking sides
• Do not forward a hurtful, embarrassing message etc ever
• You expect her to be kind to others – in real life and on line
• Help her rehearse ways of not getting involved – “I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I don’t think I should get involved. I promise I won’t talk to anyone about this.” “I don’t feel comfortable doing this” “I don’t want to talk about this online. Can we speak on the phone?”
  
  
3. Gossiping
• If you wouldn’t say it, don’t send it
• Do not fight with your friends online – ask to speak to them in person or on a phone
• if your child has acted unkindly – help them take responsibility – make amends, correct misinformation publicly
  
  
4. Sexting
   “What would you do if a boy/girl walked up to you and asked you to show yourself nude or partially nude and then called their friends in to evaluate?”
• Talk about sexting
• Brainstorm with your child:

• What girl can do if she is asked to send a photograph?
• What boy can do if he is sent one or if he is shown one?

School Personnel are often more familiar than families with difficult cyber situations and can be a helpful, important resource.

• Odd Girl Out – Rachel Simmons
• Queen Bees and Wannabees – Rosalind Wiseman
• I’d Listen to My Parents if They’d Just Shut-Up: What to Say and Not Say When Parenting Teens – Anthony E Wolf